Sunday, August 2, 2009

Do You Hold Grudges?

Hi Everyone,

We are going to discuss grudges today. Are you a grudge holder? I’m one of these people who explode and gets over it in about five minutes. Now, that can be a good thing, or not. That depends on the person who got the butt end of that explosion.

My hubby used to get mad and stay mad for several hours or a day or two. Early in our marriage, he learned I wouldn’t allow that. If I made a mistake, I wasn’t afraid to tell him I was sorry. It‘s easier to hold onto a grudge after a major fight than to let go of your anger. If I wasn’t able to teach my hubby anything but this one thing, I’m glad it was that it’s not worth it to hold a grudge or stay mad forever. Now, he gets over being mad almost as fast as I do. Smile. At least, he does with me.

To give you an instance of staying mad for a long time, I know a woman who didn’t speak to her brother for twenty years. That one was over money. Many grudges are within families and they can last a very long time. Sometimes, they are over hurt feelings, finances, assumed knowledge that they know something they don’t when they probably only know a portion of whatever they think they know, which is probably not their business anyway, and numerous other reasons.

My family had their share of squabbles, but they still could associate with one another at family gatherings and are always there for each other. We are huggers when we’re together. I know of families who never speak to one another unless they come together for a funeral or a wedding.

My hubby and sister don’t exactly get along, but they do when they get together. I think they are too much alike to ever really get along. He bitches a lot because he thinks she’s bossy. Lol My opinion is that they both are, and for absolutely the same reasons. Sorry honey and sis. You know I love you both. My sister swore she would never let a man walk over her like our father did our mother, and my hubby won’t let any woman treat him like some others have.

Do grudge holders ever get over it? Quite often, they don’t until it’s too late. The woman who didn’t speak to her brother for twenty years got a call from her sister-in-law to let her know he was ill. They started speaking again and they had about two or three years left to get reacquainted.

Once a woman got mad at her niece over some pictures she thought were being given to her. The person who showed them to her intended them for her husband’s sister, and not for this woman. The woman stopped speaking to her niece even though she was told the pictures weren’t for her. Fortunately, someone stepped in and was able to convince her not to stay mad, and she was glad she hadn’t remained mad because her niece died soon after.

When I was a kid, I learned early not to hold grudges. It was hard because sometimes other kids are mean. As I grew older and held a job, it was an advantage not to hold a grudge, and even if I didn’t feel like talking to someone I made myself speak in a normal tone to them. To do that always made it easier to heal our hurt feelings.

Are you a grudge holder? Does your family hold grudges? We would love to hear about the grudge holders you know.

Next week, I will be in Colorado. I hope to post a blog from there, but if I forget you’ll be free from listening to my ramblings for a whole week. Wink!


Have a good week everyone.


Sandy

37 comments:

Rebecca Royce said...

I try not to, but lets face it, I do. LOL. There are a just a very few people in the world I hold a grudge against but truthfully I don't think I'll ever get over it.

Great blog post!

lienaferror said...

I'm with Rebecca. I do hold grudges with a few people but in general if I get a mad on, I get over it. May take a day or two but I've learned to get over it for the sake of my sanity ;)

Great post!

Liena~

Sandra Sookoo said...

Do I hold them? Sometimes, but life's too short. I get mad then I'm over it--most times. Sometimes, wounds just run too deep, and I've learned to cut the negative people out of my life. :-) Move on, right?

Now, I've known cats to hold a grudge for a lifetime ;-)

Carol Ericson said...

Interesting post, Sandy. I wouldn't exactly call it a "grudge" that I hold against some people, but honestly there are people out there, including family members, who don't deserve my time. It's not a grudge so much as cutting toxic people out of my life. My husband's sister is nuts - we don't have any communication with her and never will. It's not a grudge; it's self-preservation.

Tethys said...

I actually don't have the time to hold a grudge. For me it's a matter of getting mad and then getting over it. The one thing I do know is I can forgive anything, but it doesn't mean I've forgotten it.

Live and learn - that's my motto.

Donna Marie Rogers said...

Interesting subject, Sandy. LOL I'm not a grudge holder, but most of my family is. My mom hates her brother with a passion (with good reason, but I won't get into that) and has no intention of letting him know when their father dies (my grandpa hasn't spoken with his son in years either).

My husband's father and his whole side are grudge holders. Usually it stems from money. When my FIL's brother died, he didn't have any kids of his own, so he left his house, etc. to my inlaws, my husband & his brother. We had been taking care of him for several years when no one else even bothered to visit the man. I used to go to his house three times a week to clean, cook him breakfast, etc., and he never forgot that. He was a crabby old cuss, but I didn't let him get away with it, and he thought I was so funny & fiesty. *grin* But he had several siblings who all assumed his assets would be split up between them when he passed. To this day there are hard feelings, which is a shame. Maybe they should have called him once in a while, stopped by for a visit. *shrug*

My FIL has been holding a grudge against one of his sisters supposedly because she had the nerve to call past 9 p.m. one night. But the truth is he was angry over something else and used the call as an excuse to sever the relationship.

My SIL is another grudge holder, and it's really sad. She's one of 9 kids, and they're dropping off like flies, and no one barely speaks to anyone anymore. She used to be super close with her mother, who is in very poor health, but my SIL holds a grudge over who gets what, and it's very sad. There's a lot more to it, and I won't bore you with the details, but's it's just so crazy to me. Every time I see her, I ask if she's called her mother yet, and she says, "No...I know I should, but I just can't." And now it's too late because one of her brothers has "custody" of their mother and won't let the rest of the family see her. Very disfunctional.

Anyway...LOL I'm not a grudge holder, but I seem to be surrounded by them.

Sandy said...

Thanks, Becca. It's hard not to be at times.

Sandy said...

Thanks, Liena. It's best to try to get over grudges because if you allow them to they'll eat you up.

Sandy said...

Sandi,

You're right. Sometimes, you just have to move on. Like my hubby says, there's no point in stewing over something that can't be changed. He has the right attitude.

Sandy said...

Carol,

You're so right, there are toxic people out there who will drag you down if you let them.

Thanks for stopping by.

Paris said...

I've never understood the need to hold a grudge. It's time consuming and a real energy drain. And what does it accomplish? Nothing positive that I can see. Great post, kiddo;-)

Sandy said...

Tethys,

That's me and hubby both in a nutshell. lol We just don't have time for those grudges. It's there loss, not ours.

Hugs,
Sandy

Sandy said...

Thanks Donna. So glad you stopped by. Those families sound pretty darn dysfunctional. lol

My hubby's family has some of those kind of problems, too.

Sandy said...

Thanks, Paris.

You're right about it being emotionally draining, and unfortunately some people get their kicks that way.

Marianne Stephens said...

Boy it's hard not to hold onto anger sometimes. I still hold a grudge against my old business partner and how she "eliminated" me from our two-person business while I was in the hospital having major surgery and then home recovering...I thought she was taking care of our business for US, but she was setting it up as a one-person business. I had no job to go back to after I recovered.
I've forgiven her in my heart, but will never speak to her again...although she tried to talk to me a few times.
Other times, I get over grudges quickly and move on with life.
Nice blog, Sandy!

Sandy said...

Thanks, Marianne.

It's hard to trust someone like that, but it's best to move on.

K.T. Bishop said...

I admit I do. Especially to those who have done me wrong. I get back by either proving myself or not talking to those folks.

Sandy said...

Thanks, K.T.

There's nothing wrong with proving people wrong, but not to speak to them again in some cases is a little overboard. Don't you think?

Collette Thomas said...

I came from a family of grudge holders. My mom I think was the best of them. She could hold a grudge longer than anyone I knew. She's past on. But the saddest thing was she held a grudge against her older sister. Her older sister held a grudge against another sister. The younger sister died. The older sister died. And in the end the nieces and nephews lost out because our family pretty much disintegrated and now no one keeps in touch. I will never let this happen to my own family and no matter what misunderstandings we may have, I overlook them and continue to keep the relationships intact.

Great subject for a blog!

Marie Roy

Sandy said...

Marie/Collette,

It's wonderful that you're determined that won't happen with your family. It's a horrible trait for a family to keep passing.

Hugs,
Sandy

Jill James said...

When I get angry at someone, usually the husband, I get over it so fast I make his head spin. Once I've used up that angry energy I'm done. He holds an angry grudge for years. It is very ugly to see.

Annette said...

I'm only a grudge holder to one EX...who deserves it. By now, I'm sure he's someones prison wife (Not really but its a dream of mine! LOL) I don't hold grudges for anything else because I like things to be cut, dried, figured out and finished. Can't do that while holding a grudge.

Linda LaRoque said...

Hi Sandy,

Interesting topic since I'm acutally going through something in my life right now that involves forgiving, trying to forget and moving forward. Life is too precious. (Okay now, my hubby HAS NOT had an affair.)

I don't hold grudges either. I used too, back when I was younger, meeker, and didn't stand up for myself. Now I can forgive and get over just about anything. I do get my feelings hurt easily sometimes but all it takes is a kind word or gesture and I'm over it.

Relationships, especially with family, are our most precious gift in life. I've gotten teared ups just writing this. Sniff!

Nice post, Sandy.

Jordanne said...

Hey Sandy, Great topic. I have several friends and family members who are grudge holders. My friends are either eternally unhappy, or very unlucky. My aunt, who is negative has a bevy of health issues, and I think mostly it's the grudge she has against her ex and what happened in her life prior to that which has manifested into these health issues.

I believe that holding a grudge against someone drains you of energy and completely one sided, although as someone mentioned, it certainly can affect others when it robs people of interactions with other innocents indirectly involved in it.

Cutting out toxic people is not the same as holding a grudge. It's like cutting off a gangrenous limb, you do it for the best of the whole. And forgiving does not mean condoning ones actions. Forgiveness is more for you than for the one being forgiven.

Can you tell I've had this conversation recently with a friend of mine? lol.

Sandy said...

Jill,

I'm exactly like that, too. My mom used to ask, how do you do that? I said I don't know, I guess I'm just over it. lol

Thanks for stopping by.

Sandy said...

LOL Thanks, Annette.

That ex had to have done something really bad to be someones prison wife.

Sandy said...

Thanks, Linda.

I know some of your problems with a family member, and I truly hope it works out this time.

Hugs,
Sandy

Sandy said...

Oh, Jordanne, you put that so well.

Thanks for that well thought out comment.

Cherry D said...

I'm terrible with holding grudges. I hold grudges for years on end. I know it is not good and I do try no to. But maybe I don't really try that hard. However my grudge is not that easy to invoke. One has to do something really, really big and bad to make me hold a grudge. Little things just passes right over my head. And I got a really thick hide... :)

Sandy said...

Thanks for stopping by Cherry D.

Sometimes a grudge is not a grudge if someone has done something big and bad to you. Everyone has their own idea of what is big and bad. In my mind, incest, any sexual or physical abuse if extreme on the last one, and murder.

I always admire families when they forgive the killer of a family member. I always wonder how they can do that, but God helps them I'm sure.

Thanks again.

J Hali said...

I'm the volcano of the family. Mount Jo blows, lava flows - then it's all over. However, I know some folks who hold grudges and I think they're all missing a lot in their lives, but that's my opinion because they evidently don't think so. LOL

Sandy said...

Hi Joann.

It's my opinion, too. I would rather get it over with rather than stew about it, which is exactly what my husband used to do. lol

Thanks for coming by.

Chiron said...

Hi Sandy,

Some people probably hold grudges because they can't get past their anger. Yet for some it's a matter of self-preservation. If a person is too trusting or always longs to see the best in people, there can be a tendency to forgive, 'overlooking' the bad behavior which doesn't go away and then BAM, they get burned again.

Although it's hard when people can't get past their anger, I've learned to recognize that some people need to hold on so they don't open the door to people who step all over them.

Actions speak louder than words. An apology, for example, can be sincere but does that mean the hurtful behavior will stop?

I used to hold onto anger until I realized it was a self-preservation device. By revisiting my anger, I found it easier to shut the door against my natural tendency to 'see the best in people' no matter how many times they proved me wrong. Now I let go of the anger but review what their actions tell me about their intent.

Forgiving others is a healing process, helping us to move on. However, it's only one step. The next step is to respect yourself enough to not put yourself in a position to be hurt again.

Good topic, Sandy.

--Chiron O'Keefe
The Write Soul: www.chironokeefe.blogspot.com

Sandy said...

Thanks for stopping by Chiron.

All kinds of people are going to hurt us. There's no way to stop that from happening. The people, such as family, probably have the most power to hurt you, then best friends and so on.

What good does it do anyone to hang onto the anger? In the end, you hurt yourself the most.

Charisma Knight said...

Hi Sandy,

Holding grudges require a lot of energy. Also, you give that person power over you when you hold a grudge against someone. It is spiritual healing for you to move on with your life.

Sandy said...

Hi Charisma,

I agree with you.

Thanks for stopping by.

Anonymous said...

oh yes holding grudges is something that I am very familiar with...it seems like my whole family has some sort of grudge held against somebody the sad thing is,is that it can be over some pretty silly things for example my mother can hold some grudges and she has done so for a very long time.The latest grudge saddens me to no end she and my stepsis have gotten into an arguement over the phone which caused my stepsis to call mom greedy.But she felt bad for it later and now mom wont have anything to do with her I tried reasoning with her telling her it was just a heat of the moment thing but mother will have none of it.So now I hardly get to see my stepsis and that really hurts not only me but she as well.And a part of me knows it hurts my mom too.But I guess I can't do anything about it maybe in time mom will learn to forgive she may not forget but hopefully forgive so all of the tension will finally go away and we can be happy again...that would be really nice